


Hoping all this will change

by Schizocheater



Series: McKirk [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Hurt!Jim, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:17:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schizocheater/pseuds/Schizocheater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim was psychologically abused for many years and has difficulties with relationships on all levels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hoping all this will change

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a line from George Ezra's song, Coat of armour.

“It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me,”Leonard put down the set of keys that was meant to be Jim’s, and looked at the man, confused. “I know we talked about this and I don’t want to freak you out, but I’m pretty sure your ‘no strings attached’ policy failed miserably.” At least he hoped so, because if he was being honest, Leonard stopped seeing other people after he met Jim. Hell, after some time he even stopped flirting.“I don’t want you to feel tamed or anything, but with my constantly shifting schedule it’s convenient for you to have free access to my apartment any time you need it.”Okay, so maybe that last part was a straight up quote from their friend Spock, but the man was right. Besides the obvious sentiment, it was also a practical decision.“You’re babbling too much, Bones.”Jim smiles, his fingers gripping the hem of his shirt tightly, as if he’s afraid that once he flexes them, they’ll grip the keys against his will. Jim felt awful, and the fact that Leonard cared for him and that _that_ made him feel all sorts of bad and anxious wasn’t helping the situation. At all. He tried to imagine a list of pros and cons of being in a relationship. _In a relationship with someone like me_ he corrected himself and closed his eyes. He felt slightly awkward, Leonard’s attentive gaze following his every move. He really liked the doctor, _his_ Bones, but he couldn’t just do things like the rest of his friends did. He was fine with physical contact, it was probably the only reason he put up with human interaction, but the feelings and relationships, the emotional stuff put him in a corner. He just didn’t know what to do with himself in situations like this. When all he wanted was to accept Leonard’s gift and eventually even move in and have a bit of a normal life. Based on trust and mutual attraction and, you know, love, but… That big fat BUT was always there and didn’t seem like something that’ll go away any time soon. His skin felt hot, he felt the honest to god blush creeping down his face from the tip of his ears and to the base of his neck. It was like that one time he tried therapy and couldn’t shake off the feeling of being put under a microscope. “It’s not like I don’t want to,” Because he really wants, but he can’t stand that crippling feeling of doubt that rises like bile in his stomach every time he tries to get attached. How can Jim be expected to have healthy relationships with so-called strangers when his own family made sure he never feels good about himself again? It wasn’t _that_ bad, he managed to have a pretty decent life so far, didn’t he? It’s just that gigantic hole in his social skills and emotial stability that leaves him gasping for air at night, a brief nightmary hello from his past lingering on his cold-sweated back. “Just give me some time, okay? I need to wrap my head around the shitstorm up here”he made a quick gesture towards his temple and then his fingers went straight back to abusing the thin fabric of his shirt.“This is so unfair. I’d be pissed if I were you.” He walked around the table and hugged Leonard so hard the man found it difficult to breathe. He didn’t mind, tho, as long as he had Jim in his arms.“Please don’t leave me. You make me want to change. I want to get over my past for you. For us. It would make things much simpler.” Leonard hums in agreement, fingers stroking Jim’s hair. “You make me sound all cheesy and in love, but I’m proud of you, kid. I want you to know that. And remember that you don’t have to feel obligated to do something for me. You should do this for yourself. You have to learn to value yourself, Jim. You deserve it.” Leonard McCoy wasn’t known for his patience, but he was able to make exceptions. And Jim Kirk was worth every second of his time. “Now, take those keys. Keep them, for emergencies.” The silent jingle of metal made him smile. It’s going to work, it has to. They’ll build this thing together, step by step. “Might wanna loosen that grip before you suffocate me.” Jim smiles into Leonard’s shoulder and reaches up to the man’s face, fingertips barely touching his jawline and lower lip. He chuckles and his face is still a bright shade of pink. He hesitates only a second before kissing Leonard, deep and slow. Full of unspoken worries and hope. “We should get going, we’re running late already. Nyota won’t be happy about it.” “Dammit, Jim, you sure know how to ruin the moment, don’t you?! ”


End file.
